Eggs in a Basket

When One Door Closes....

2008-12-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

another one opens.

i am hearby declaring this blog dormant. this blog has been my place to vent about my infertility journey, my pregnancy, and then the birth of my beautiful boy. it's time to move forward and concentrate on the goings on of both of my children. i no longer consider myself an infertile...how could i with two beautiful kids? this blog has been a healer for me...a good place to let off steam that i don't want to poison my everyday life with. as such, it has served it's purpose, but now that purpose is finished.

please join us over at http://theloyalsubjects.blogspot.com/. i am also making livie's baby blog dormant/historical and will be chronicling the journey with both kids at this new address. we look forward to seeing you on the other side! (there will be lots of pics of both kiddos and updates about their growth and their goings on!)

A Mug Shot

2008-12-02T12:54:00.000-08:00

quinn chilling out after his first in-the-water-bath in the kitchen sink (which is why he's maxin' and relaxin' in a towel on the kitchen counter :-)

here are 10 things about quinn

10 he smells heavenly...even when he doesn't :-)

9 he has the most adorable dimple in his left cheek

8 his hair is a soft auburn that looks fire red in the sunlight

7 he has big blue eyes with long, curly red eyelashes

6 he has SUPER long arms and legs. his arms are so long that they are not completely covered by any of his long-sleeved outfits

5 he has the cutest little monkey feet. seriously...these are some tree-climbing feet!

4 he likes to be awake and looking around much of the day.

3 he seriously detests his car seat for the first 20 minutes he's in it. then he passes out cold and will stay out for a long time.

2 he doesn't like to be worn (yet). he doesn't like to be smooshed against my chest when he can be looking at something so much more interesting.

1 he loves to hear livie's voice. his eyes seem to look around for her when he hears her, and on occasion, her voice stops his cries.

Fizz Fizz, Oh What a Relief it Is!!!

2008-12-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

here's the strangest blog post you will ever read. I CAN PEE! I CAN PEE! I CAN PEE! oh, happy day! I CAN PEE!!!

see, that was strange, no?

i got the catheter out at 9 am, peed like a pro at 9:05, and am so freakin' happy that i can't stop grinning or doing a happy dance. seriously. what a relief! i was able to pick livie up and hug/hold her for the first time in WEEKS. that was an amazing feeling. i was even able to play ring around the rosie (it's the little things, you know?).

here's to healed bladders and talented urologists (raising an imaginary glass of something 80 proof ;-p)...

i have just a couple more checks with the urologist, one more check with my endocrinologist to check on my diabetes status, and one more check with the OB (i will not be going back to her after this check...she's FIRED). and then, we can close the chapter on all this and look only forward.

The Rest of the Story

2008-11-30T19:08:00.000-08:00

it occurs to me that i have left out a lot of details over the last few weeks. let's start with the fun ones!

regarding quinn's birth, i had many reasons for wanting to try a VBAC, and among them was the opportunity to experience a real labor. i didn't get one of those with livie since my labor was induced.

on monday, 11/3 (my mom's bday), my contractions changed drastically (i had been havng BH constantly since 31 weeks). i was no longer able to walk or talk through them starting at 8 that morning. i was still having them very sporadically, so i didn't call the doc. at 3 pm that day, i started to have bloody show. i went to bed at 11 that night, but could not sleep b/c the contractions were coming faster and harder. by 1:15 tuesday morning, i realized that i was bleeding more and decided to call in. they had me come to the hospital, and the nurse and OB in triage determined i was in active labor and dilated to 3 cm. my labor actually went pretty fast in terms of getting to 10 cm. my water broke (on its own) at 7:45 that morning and i was dilated to 10 just before noon. the problem was that i stayed at 10 cm for HOURS without making any progress getting quinn down the birth canal. in the very end, he did get wedged under my pelvic bones (and he still has the bruises to prove it), but my old c/s scar had trapped him by his chest and could not complete his exit.

regarding the bladder rupture...it's nearly 100% certain that i had bladder damage after the c/s, but my bladder did not fully rupture until tuesday, 11/11. it was 5:30 a.m., and i'd just finished feeding quinn. i was sitting in the corner of our secional sofa upstairs (deep sofa), and was doing that scoot, scoot, twist, stand-up maneuver we all do when we try to get off a couch with a baby in our arms. well, when i stood up, i felt a horrible pain in my stomach...felt like someone had dragged a knife down my stomach starting at the top of my ribs. fortunately, i did not drop quinn, but i could barely move. i shuffled back to our bedroom to ask josh to help me. by this point, i was shaking, sweating, and crying uncontrollably...the pain was immense. i tried to walk it off and even tried taking a hot shower...the pain just got worse. i asked josh to call 911 around 6. we live less than a mile from the fire station, so they got there quick. the ride in the ambulance was HORRIFIC. my BP shot up to 185/105 and i could barely breathe (lying down was excruciatingly painful). by the time i got to the ER, my heart was going haywire and my BP continued to skyrocket. after many shots of morphine, blood draws, a CT scan, and a bunch of nurses and doctors freaking out, i was rushed into surgery (after signing consent forms for a hysterectomy b/c they thought my uterus had ruptured again). the surgery entailed fixing my uterus, which had opened up again, and doing an extensive repair on my bladder...it was apparenlty a severe rupture. i had to stay in the hospital as long as i did b/c of the issues with my heart and to be watched for abdominal infection/abscesses b/c of my abdomen being full of urine for 5 hours. my kidneys have recoverd (was in kidney failure when i was first hospitalized), my bladder has healed, and i'm infection free. the only residual issue i have is with my heart. there is still fluid around it. no one knows why...i will prolly go see a cardiologist in the next few weeks to either get a clean bill of health or find out what the next step is (there's risk of the fluid becoming infected).

suffice it to say that i now have an unnatural fear of our red couch. and, i have to admit that this whole thing seemed so random to me that i keep waiting for some other part of my body to rupture. seriously. i have dreams (nightmares) about it.

Let's Put some "P" in the Ool, Shall We?!

2008-11-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

first of all, thank you to cheryl for keeping this blog updated for me! also, thank you so much to all of you who have left me sweet voice mails, emails, and comments. i apologize for the lack of response...we're buried over here, and it's not likely we'll dig out anytime soon. i choke every time i see the amount of junk mail i have to purge to get to the good stuff in my email. and, even in the best of times, i am quite phone challenged (i seersee hate to talk on the phone).

so, here's a little status update. josh is doing better and better. he has pleurissy, which is related to his pneumonia, but it's subsiding slowly and his pain is decreasing slowly. my biggest fear right now is that he will overwork/stress himself right back into full blown pneumonia. it's my job to nag him into NOT doing that :-)

my recovery continues to plod along. i still have the catheter. correction...i have a new catheter. i had two appointments on tuesday...one to shoot dye into my bladder and x-ray it to check for position and for leaks. i passed that test with flying colors. so, they took my catheter out. OH SWEET RELIEF!!!! i then had another appointment 3.5 hours later for a general check up with my urologist. well, in that 3.5 hours, i was unable to pee. i also could not feel that my bladder was full nor did i have any urges to pee. all of this was quite suspicious considering i had a bladder full of contrast dye, propel, and water. when i got to my checkup appt., my urologist informed me that i had to be recathed to prevent another rupture. despite the discomfort and general annoyance of having a bag of pee tied to my leg, i said "sign me up". i don't ever want to experience another bladder rupture...that was the worst pain i've ever felt not to mention that having an abdomen full of pee and blood led to a host of other complications and a long hospital stay.

so, i go back in monday to have the catheter taken out again. here's hoping i can pee this time. i am seriously freaked that something else is wrong and that i'll never be "normal"...i'm hoping it's all in my head.

On the mend

2008-11-21T11:52:00.000-08:00

This is Cheryl again. I had a quick chat with Lori today. She's home and hopefully on the mend. She was discharged from the hospital Monday the 17th. The pre-eclampsia is gone. There is still some fluid around her heart, so the docs gave her some symptoms to look out for. Hopefully it goes away soon. She goes in for a test on her bladder (she can correct me later if I'm wrong, but I think it's a cystogram) to make sure it doesn't have any leaks on Tuesday. She's hoping to get rid of her oh-so-pesky catheter then too -- yippee!!! She's still sore and tired (can't imagine why), but she's really glad to be home with her kiddos. As you can imagine, they aren't too fond of just letting mommy get some rest. :)

Update on Josh: he goes in for a CAT scan today (Friday) to see if he still has fluid on one of his lungs. If he does, then he'll likely need to go back in the hospital to have the fluid drained. Let's hope the fluid is gone and Josh can finally get a clean bill of health!

Lots of good, healthy vibes (and some baby sleeping and toddler calming vibes wouldn't hurt at this point) are flowing freely to their house. :)

When it rains, it pours

2008-11-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

This is Cheryl, guest blogging for Lori this week. It seems she has a good reason for not updating her blog since Monday (other than the daunting task of caring for a newborn and 2-year-old, all while healing from a c/s). I will let Lori give whichever gory details she chooses once she's back online, but for now I'll give the abbreviated version.

You may know she was in a lot of pain for days after coming home from the hospital. On Tuesday of this week, the pain became unbearable. Josh had been ill for a while, struggling with a bad cough too. So they called 911 to get Lori to the hospital. During the ambulance ride, it was assumed based on her history that her uterus had ruptured again. (Side note: did you know ambulances feel like they have virtually no suspension? Can I hear a collective "OW!!!" for Lori???)

Lori had emergency surgery on Tuesday to repair what turned out to be a ruptured bladder. Not sure when exactly the rupture happened. While she was in the ER, she was told that Josh was there too, but as a patient rather than a visitor. It seems Josh has pneumonia. What a romantic guy -- he'll do anything to have a date with his lovely wife. :) After a couple of days in the hospital, Josh is home now. Let's wish him a speedy recovery.

Pre-eclampsia has also reared its ugly head again. Apparently this is a mystery to everyone, including her docs, as this is typically seen during pregnancy, not after. She also has a cardiologist, since she has had issues with her heart rate and possibly some fluid around her heart. Hopefully they'll get some answers on that soon.

The best estimate from her docs so far is next Monday is the earliest she can go home, and possibly mid-week instead. When I talked to her this morning, she was in very good spirits for going through all that she is. She has an incredible group of family and friends who are helping take care of Livie and Quinn.

I know we all wish Lori (and Josh) a very swift and full recovery. Hopefully Lori will be home with her family soon, and will be entertaining us with her sharp wit and pictures of her beautiful kids. :)

Our Little Truffle Monkey

2008-11-10T19:48:00.000-08:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

quinn had his first well-baby check today. he's up to 8 lbs 1 oz and is still 22 inches long. everything's looking good except that the doc confirmed her earlier suspicions/diagnosis that he has a pretty major case of reflux. he started on baby prilosec tonight, and i'm hoping it makes him much more comfortable. as it stands, he cannot lay flat, and he arches his back and cries after most feedings. it's so sad to see someone so small in any kind of discomfort. livie had reflux, too, so we're at least familiar with this ailment!

we are currently searching for the right nickname for quinn, and of course, this is a work in progress as we get to know his sweet little self. we started calling him truffles the other day b/c he snuffles like a pig after truffles...this is due to his reflux issues (it seems that his nose burns a lot of the time). and, today, we were remarking on his super long limbs, torso, and fingers/toes...he looks like an especially cute monkey. so, for now, he's our truffle monkey.

one final note...MILK JUST IN! yay! it's still not enough to really feed quinn, but it's something!

38w6d : Lather, Rinse, Repeat

2008-11-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

WARNING : pessimistic bitchy attitude straight ahead. read at your own risk.

okay, internets, the most important part is that quinntin rusty anderson is here and he's healthy, beautiful, smells delicious, and is the prince of our hearts.

the part that astounds me and completely pisses me off (mosly at myself) is that it took both of us being in really sad shape for him to get here. i swore, didn't i, that there was no way we could have another birth go as bad as livie's did?!?! i shoulda kept my mouth shut!

i'm that VBAC that everyone who's against VBACs uses for their horror stories. my uterus ruptured in my 2nd hour of pushing. i lost a liter of blood. quinn was severely distressed and had to be on oxygen and sent to the NICU at birth. the "best" part (as in most fascinating to me) is that my uterus didn't rupture anywhere near the c-section scar...it ruptured in a totally different part (the top of my uterus ruptured). one thing that did happen with my old c-section scar, though, is that it trapped quinn by his chest. he was not able to move down into the birth canal b/c he was held in place by what my doc called a "contraction band", which was formed by the old scar.

i am EXTREMELY pissed at myself for even trying the VBAC, and especially for not trying harder to stand up for myself. my doc knew i didn't want a long labor and that i wanted to cap at 12 hours. well, we went to 17 despite the fact that i repeatedly stated and restated that i didn't want a long labor. i got no attention from my dr for the entire labor (4 5-minute visits), and my last nurse had her very own agenda...one being that she thought we were being pansie asses for asking for the c/s. just before i was wheeled down to the c/s room, she told me "you're healthy, baby is healthy, you can do this!! (rah rah ree)".

not so much. my doc discovered the rupture as soon as she got quinn out, and the NICU team stormed our c/s room once everyone saw that quinn was struggling hard. apparently, my uterus cannot do contractions correctly. starting from the point at which i was triaged, i had very long (up to 10 minutes long) contractions. the hospitalist who saw me in triage told me point blank that he didn't like my contraction pattern and that if it didn't change, he would recommend a c/s (i never saw him outside of triage, though). also, this time the contrax were super powerful. i made it to a 6 before i was begging for the epidural. with livie, i made it to an 8 before i consented to the epidural, and then i did so only to shut my dr. up...i didn't really need the epidural at 8...the contrax weren't that bad. i don't know what the numbers represent or what unit of measure they are calculated in, but my contrax with livie never went above 65-70. my contrax with quinn went up to the 130s and were never much more than 2 minutes apart (usually they overlapped).

it's now been 5 days since our little man got here, and i'm still in excruciating pain. i can't stand or sit comfortably. i can't use the restroom comfortably. i am miserable.

okay, i should stop whining! quinn is a fantastic baby. he has his nights and days crazily confused, but even the lack of sleep doesn't make him less adorable. we are formula feeding...my milk is still not in. we were 100% on the breast using SNS for a couple days, but the contrax combined with having two sets of stitches in my uterus were making me EXTREMELY sore and pretty much incapacitated. the saddest part of all this is that quinn really wants boobie. he gets so sad and frantic when he repeatedly latches on and there's nothing there for him...it's heart breaking.

i will post pics of the little man soon. and, i will post something A LOT more cheerful. i promise!

38w3d : showered with love

2008-11-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

arrgh. this pic doesn't do it justice, but this is a beautiful diaper cake that nano made for quinn!

today, 3 of my closest friends threw us a baby shower. it was delightful! we had a wonderful meal and wonderful conversation. quinn (all of us) were showered with lots of diapers (this is almost too helpful to describe!), toys and goodies, and a gift card to get quinn a deluxe swing, should he like the basic swing i scored off craigslist for 40 bucks. i know from others' experience that a baby swing can be the biggest trick in the book for fussy or hard-to-get-to-sleep babies. but, i also know that babies can detest the swing. so, we will try out the 40-dollar swing, and if quinn likes it (and/or needs it), he will be treated to a super deluxe version. otherwise, he will be treated to other super deluxe items, thanks to his aunties.

we are blessed.

38w0d : Still a 2-for-1 Special

2008-10-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

well, the 38w appt was uneventful. despite all the pain/pressure i feel in my hoo ha, i am still dilated to only a 1. i guess quinn really is a november baby :-) i haven't been having many contrax at all. even the crampy feeling is gone. i never thought i'd be sad to NOT feel like i was getting my period :-)

quinn passed his NST with flying colors despite the fact that i can't feel him quite the same. i think he's flipped over and that his limbs are pummeling my insides instead of the skin over my tummy. his HB was nice and variable, and i could hear his movements more on the monitor than i could feel them...this was a little weird.

i have been having bad headaches for a couple days (worrisome since that was one of my first signs of pre-e with DD), and my BP is coming up, but it's not alarming yet. i just have to go back to testing it daily (had gotten lazy about this).

DD and i have an extremely full day planned on friday, so we'll see what that does to the ol' not-yet-in-labor thing. perhaps some unsuspecting toddler will scare me into labor if the hours of chasing a toddler thru a halloween-themed park don't!

i apologize for the late update. today's appt. was in the late afternoon and between the rush-hour traffic getting back home and it being time to start making dinner once i did get here, i am running a little behind.

37w5d : HEB went without incident

2008-10-27T20:54:00.000-07:00

damn.

still contracting, still cramping, still unplugging (more ewww)...still pg. *sigh*

:-)

i have my 38w appt. on wednesday...maybe i'll have some news then...?

(oh, btw, waddling thru HEB with your gigantic stomach falling out the bottom of your largest maternity shirt will score you help getting your groceries onto the conveyor belt AND out to the car completely unsolicited!!!)

37w5d : Nesting Unplugged

2008-10-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

it's 3:19 a.m....do you know where your mucous plug is? mine has left the building (ewww...a fascinating, yet truly disgusting, event).

DH and i nested like CRAZY today. we accomplished more today than we have in 18 months of living in this house!

i have contractions in my back...have been having them all day (but not regularly...nooooo, that would be too "expected").

i feel like my period's coming.

i can't sleep.

internets, let's take bets that this show gets on the road sometime in the next 48 hours. personally, i'm betting that i will embarrass myself in HEB later today when i do my weekly grocery shopping ;-p cleanup on aisle ____________ !!!!!!

37w0d : a plan for van

2008-10-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

i had my regular 37-week checkup this afternoon along with my weekly stress test. van (quinn) is doing great on both fronts. the dr. verified that she can feel quinn's head. i'm still dilated only to a 1, but hey, i'll take it. it's something, right? and, since he just now flipped head down, i'm hoping the dilation progress will go quickly from here on out.

so, anyway, the dr. and i came up with a VBAC plan. if i go into labor on my own in the next two weeks, we will proceed with a VBAC to a certain degree. i will not tolerate/allow another long labor since the first had near-disastrous results. if i do not go into labor before 11/6, we will proceed with the scheduled c/s. my thinking is that by 11/6, he will most likely be between 9 and 10 pounds (plus or minus a pound!), and i'm not willing to deal with/risk a long labor with a large baby. i'm not sure my uterus could do it, and i'm not willing to find out the hard way ;-p

37w0d : HE DID IT!!!!

2008-10-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

i had the growth scan this morning, and quinn's looking good. he is measuring quite a bit ahead...he's measuring between 38w4d and 39 weeks on all his parts (especially his tummy :). his size estimate is 7#9oz, which means DH wins the bet we took (i bet his estimate would be around 8#4oz, and josh bet 7#8oz).

the BEST part?!?!? quinn has moved into a head-down position!!!!!!!! i was up ALL NIGHT LONG last night b/c he kept doing weird shit. he rarely wakes me up with his movements, but last night was something else...he rarely let me sleep :-) i am guessing he moved head down last night b/c before we went to bed, we were admiring the outline of one of his feet just above my right hip (still transverse with his legs over his head).

though quinn is now head down, he is in a bad position for labor. hopefully, he will get straightened out and facing the right direction soon (he's curled into a c-shape with his spine on my right side and his legs stretched into the left side of my groin (comfy). most importantly, his head is turned so that he's facing my left leg, though his head is engaged in my cervix (he needs to be looking toward my butt for a good labor position)!

Quinn's Home Decor

2008-10-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

these are some pics of quinn's room, which i'm certain we won't really use for much more than clothing/diaper change for the first few months, and a pic of his playspace in our living room. the bug is quite intrigued with the living room setup and keeps telling us how cute it is :-)

36w0d : Mama Failed Her NST

2008-10-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

today was my 36-week checkup. all went well. i'm starting to dialate (strange considering quinn's head is lodged in my right side and not anywhere near my cervix). my fundal height is still 1 week ahead, but that's not bad considering the GD. i got lots of questions answered about my c/s, which takes place in 3w1d (holy $#%^). and, quinn passed his NST with flying colors. my doc forgot to order his growth scan (!!), so we will do that sometime between now and next regular OB checkup.

now, as for the NST, i failed it BIG TIME. my contractions are slowly getting stronger and more frequent, and i noticed today that when i have a strong one, quinn's HB goes up into the 160s and 170s. this freaked me out. i talked to the doc about it, and she assured me that it's fine, but it still worries me. i had had about 10 oz of diet coke with my lunch, so i'm recommitting to NO CAFFEINE for the duration of this pg. i'm afraid that my bad habit (re: addiction) had something to do with his HB getting so high. poor quinn. and, it's not like avoiding diet coke is going to be bad for me ;-p

i also met with my endo, sweet, warm, and charming. he has upped my insulin again and put me on an additional type of insulin (i now have to take short-acting insulin before breakfast in addition to the long-acting insulin i take at bed time and when i wake up). i'm not thrilled with this, but it is only 3 more weeks. what kinda pisses me off about this is that i've learned, from other GD moms on a message board (all around the same gestation as me), that my endo is crazy, crazy strict. the BG ranges he wants me to stay in are 10 to 20 points lower than what these other ladies are required to follow. so, if i had their doctors, i would not be in trouble all the time, and i wouldn't be on insulin. hmmph! (said as a mantra : only 3 more weeks, only 3 more weeks, only 3 more weeks).

in entertainment news, here's my 36-week pic. tell me i don't look so ridiculous that my belly almost looks fake! since being on this GD diet, quinn is taking what he needs from my many fat stores, which, in turn, has caused my arms, legs, and face to thin a bit....and my belly to continue growing. the effect is pretty funny...

how appropriate is it that i'm wearing moose pants :-)

2nd NST : Pass

2008-10-07T20:53:00.000-07:00

quinn had his second NST today. this time, since i knew what to expect, i did it up right. i got my nice, warm cup of 1/4 caff coffee and a book to keep me company as i lay back in the recliner listening to our boy.

quinn's onto me now. as soon as the monitors were strapped on, he started kicking the daylights out of the HB monitor. he, apparently, doesn't like it. the nurse had turned the speaker up pretty loud, so when he kicked the monitor, i got quite an earful :-) after having had tons of contractions yesterday, the ol' uterus decided to keep quiet today and only let off a couple contractions during monitoring. apparently, the ol' girl is in stealth mode :-)

the result of the NST was a "pass with flying colors".

next NST is in 9 days, next OB appt is in 7 days, and the next date with sweet-warm-and-charming (my endo) is also in 7 days. after i faxed my numbers for last week, the endo jacked my insulin dosages WAAAAAYYYY up. as a result, i now feel like a drunken fool for a good part of the day (though my numbers are coming down, which is the end goal). i'm hoping i adjust to the new dosages soon so that i can be slightly less fuzzy-headed.

33w6d : First NST

2008-10-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

quinn passed his first NST with flying colors. his heart rate was variable, he kicked and rolled a lot, and i had just one contraction while on the monitors. i will be doing these tests weekly until he makes his grand entrance. here's hoping the upcoming tests go as well as yesterday's test did!

my next regular OB appt. is in two weeks, and at that point, the docs/peris will be doing a growth scan on quinn to guesstimate his size. right now, we are still on target for a 11/6 c/s (and yes, he's still transverse. hmmmm, somebody's stubborn :-).

32w4d : Oh you poor thing!

2008-09-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

here are a couple of entertaining pictures:

gigantic tummy that is now the same size (but different shape and location) as when i delivered my DD at 36 weeks.

here is what's left of a chair i sat in for 15 minutes the other afternoon. my gigantic ass fell straight thru the chair. in my own defense (and trying to keep myself from crying), this chair has been sitting out in the sun all summer. i'm hoping the fabric was weakened and that i did not really destroy a chair with my fat ass alone.

i'm huge. seriously, seriously huge. i'm having trouble walking long distances, which i have to do some of to help manage the GD. my left hip pops out of joint. i'm barely able to bend over to retrieve things from the floor (thank god i have a 2.5yo to help out on that front). twice this week i had a person (woman...always a woman :-) stop me and ask when i was due. when i told her not for another 7ish weeks, i got "oh, you poor thing!".

i also got asked SEVERAL more times if i was sure it was just one. really? at 32 weeks, and in this day and age of techy medicine, you think that i might not have a head count yet? i just tell everyone that my son is big and/or that i'm big/chubby. admitting my love of all things made with sugar and fat (and thus the reason i am fluffy) pretty much stops folks in their tracks, and they stop asking silly questions and/or making silly comments. some people are very, very nice and others are just rude. the size of me does make for interesting conversations and opportunities to meet new people!

on the flip side, i've also had some women tell me i'm all belly (they obviously hadn't seen me walk away yet. while my butt is much smaller than it was with my DD's pg, it is VERY WIDE).

last week, when we went for quinn's 3D sono/4D sono at clearview ultrasound here in ATX, the owner/operator asked me to come back this past saturday to allow training sono techs/owners of the franchise to use me as a guinea pig. apparently, quinn is a great training opportunity b/c he is still in a transverse lie. (he did try to move a couple times this week, but he seems to get stuck, and he's trying to move butt down. (that doesn't help anything, buddy!)). well, i was glad to help out with the training thing, but truthfully, the session was pretty much torture for both me and quinn. a couple of the trainees had never handled a sono wand before. the others were quite professional. but, all in all, quinn wasn't having it and had covered his face with both of his arms/hands and one leg. he was camera shy, which led to uncomfortably long sessions of the techs poking and prodding my tummy in an effort to get him to change his position. the one thing he was happy to show off, though, were his bits. he proudly displayed his gender t/o the session :-)

the GD stuff continues to be a bit of a challenge simply b/c my BGs are hard to control. the docs keep upping my insulin, but my fasting BGs (the one they seem the most concerned about) won't budge. hmmph. i just keep telling myself it's only a few more weeks. one VERY positive side of this GD diet thing is that my weight gain is at a standstill. i have some hope that i will get out of this pg with less weight damage than i had anticipated. and, since i will be used to the %&^$#@ diet by the time quinn arrives, i plan to stay on it to help shed the pg pounds...oh, and those i acquired from my love of all things ice cream ;-p

in other news, quinn's room is nearly done (pics soon). also, my house is rather crazily clean since vacuuming and sweeping and scrubbing are now my forms of post-meal exercises.

next OB appt is in a week, and that's also when i will start having weekly growth scans and non-stress tests (NSTs) for quinn.

The FFN Was Negative!

2008-09-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

my appt. today went very well. i felt a little silly going in b/c as soon as i called the doc's office yesterday and asked to come in today, my contractions slowed markedly. when i made the call, i had just finished one of those stints where i was having contractions every 10 minutes for 30 minutes. after that, i didn't get any until evening, and then only 2. and then i had only 2 in the morning.

anyhoo, my dr. reassured me that i wasn't being silly asking to come in, and then she proceeded to do my 32-week exam a little early. she did check my cervix ... it's closed, and she did do the FFN test...it's negative, and then she did the regular appt. stuff. we also went ahead and scheduled the c/s...it's set for 8:30 a.m. on 11/6. personally, i do not think quinn will stay in that long, but we know for sure he won't stay in longer :-)

The Mighty Quinn

2008-09-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

31w1d...A Full Week

2008-09-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

well, this has been a bit of a week! after struggling with the GD diet and persistently high BGs, my endo put me on insulin injections. i feel like a new woman. seriously. up until today, i have been very weak, dizzy, GROUCHY, and my heart's been racing. in the past two days, i've seriously cranked up the (good) carbs (on doctor's orders) and ignored the high BGs. i started insulin last night, and between the two changes, i am a changed woman. lucky for me, my endo put me on a long-acting insulin that i inject just twice a day. wooo hoooo!

in other news, i am contracting like crazy and it's scaring the shit out of me. in the last two days, i've had episodes where i'm contracting every 10 minutes like clock work, and then i don't contract for a few hours. i had 4 contractions that were so bad they woke me up last night. at one point, i reached down to hold my tummy only to find it was in the shape of a triangle. i am going in for an FFN test tomorrow to see if i'm showing signs of PTL. i started having BH contractions a couple weeks ago, and i'm reasonably sure what i'm experiencing now is BH contractions, but they've been getting stronger, more consistent, and have become painful. so, i'm scared. van needs to bake for a lot longer.

today, we did something super special...we went to have a 3D ultrasound and 4D ultrasound of van. it was the most fun i've had in a long time. van is beautiful. he's quite chubby, has a full head of hair, and looks EXACTLY like his big sis did at birth. my DH has another mini me. van is, indeed, transverse. his head is to the right side of my belly and his butt to the left. he has one leg straight with his foot up by his head, and his other leg is bent. we did get 3D proof that he is still a boy. i am absolutely blown away by how much he looks like DD. i can't wait to meet him...well, i can wait 8 weeks.

yes, 8 weeks. because of the GD and his being transverse, we will do a planned c/s. i have no interest in another uterus explosion, and i'm sure that's what would happen with a previously compliacated c/s and trying to get a 10-pounder out. and, yes, i'm hoping he stays in long enough to get to 10 pounds!

i will post links to van's 3D pics and 4D video shortly.

internets, if you're the meditative or praying kind, please pray/light a candle/send vibes that van stays in longer....long enough to mature those little lungs and make an easy transition to the outside. i will post FFN results tomorrow.

A Happy Amendment

2008-09-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

i really should also give credit to the things that are good about this GD diet:

makes van healthier
makes van healthier
makes van healthier
makes me healthier
makes DH healthier
costs less at grocery store
prevents us from being tempted to eat out

seriously, though. i know this is best for van, and for that reason, i should not gripe at all.

random, but also serious, i had no idea how much more expensive junk/pre-packaged foods are than veggies. our grocery bill was 30 bucks cheaper this weekend, and that was with it also including laundry detergent, cat food, and wipes (these items usually make it a high bill). i'm guessing that if we hadn't needed those more expensive items, our bill might have been down 50 bucks! wow!

Not My Idea of a Good Time

2008-09-07T15:14:00.000-07:00

whine. moan. whimper. complain.

this diabetes diet SUCKS. not fun. the poking the fingers? not fun! the eating on a strict schedule? not fun. i keep having to eat my dinner at 4:30 and then "snack" when everyone else eats at 6:30.

okay, i got the complaining out of the way. i do have to say that the diet isn't as restrictive as i expected, and some of my favorite foods (cheese, nuts, and peanut butter) are my "free" foods meaning i can eat them even when it's not time for a meal or a snack. i am finding, though, that even if i get the right carb count, i have to be careful where those carbs come from. i seem to be reacting very poorly to high fructose corn syrup, so things that i've been approved for, such as crackers and protein bars, are not working well..they seem to cause my blood gluclose (BG) to go too high and stay too high.

despite not eating the limit of carbs i've been allotted (keeping below the limit), i am having a tough time getting my BGs down into the appropriate ranges. a call into the endo (per my log sheet instructions) yesterday revealed that i have to break up my exercise into 10 to 15 minute intervals t/0 the day and right after meals/before i test the BG level instead of getting 30 to 45 minutes at one point during the day.

this sounds easy, but with an "employer" who is very finicky about when she leaves the house/car/store/_____, this is actually a bit of a challenge. oh, and it's still FREAKIN' hot, so ducking out for a quick walk around the greenbelt/block results in a sweaty pg lady waddling around at incredibly slow speeds ;-p i'm hoping i can find a good rythm with this in the next week or so, too, and that once DH is back at work, that i can convince the "boss" to ride around in her stroller a couple times a day. lord knows i am not in any condition to fish toddlers out of the local creek or chase them across sunny fields ;-p thus far, my exercise routine has been grocery shopping...there's 45 minutes of walking, lifting, and bending ;-p but, we can't go grocery shopping every day, and definitely not 3 times a day!

tomorrow is my first ketone test, which will reveal if my carb intake is too low and is causing me to go into ketosis (bad for pg ladies).

That Would be an F Minus

2008-09-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

i failed the 3-hour GD test. spectacularly. i will be taking a "how not to eat like a fat ass" class on friday, and then i will start seeing an endocrinologist on 9/15. hopefully, i will be able to control the issue with diet alone, but lord knows a few shots in the ass, stomach, or thigh won't faze me a bit ;-p

i guess this, and the fact that van is transverse, explain my gargantuan size. i am concerned about van's size and lung development. i'm sure that i'll be seeing a peri again soon to check on his size and get him an NST. i know this is a good thing b/c it's a great level of care, but i do feel like a bit of a flunkie knowing that i messed up enough to cause van problems.

29w5d

2008-09-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

um. i'm behind. i have a good excuse, though. we went on a beach vacation just 2 days after the 28-week appt. and, those 2 days were INSANE with trying to get ready and get out of the house with all our stuff.

so, my weight gain has slowed...prolly from eliminating/reducing CF sodas and from increasing the amount of time i spend chasing my runaway DD. i failed my 1-hour GD screen (boo) and take the 3-hour test tomorrow (boo hiss). and, my fundal height is measuring almost 2 weeks ahead. no big suprise there considering i look like i could deliver TOMORROW.

van is still transverse, but my doc is not worried and thinks he'll flip head-down before he's born. he did flip head-down for a few hours in the middle of the night while we were on vacation (i felt the bulge of his head on the left side of my groin when i got up to pee), but he went back to his old position in just a few hours.

check out this pic of van doing something weird on my left side. i haven't caught a pic yet, but in the last week or so, he's started doing this weird thing where i have lumps like this on both sides of my stomach and my belly button is in a valley. it's CRAZY WEIRD.

24-week Belly Shot

2008-07-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

i actually CAN still see my feet :-)

our 24-week OB visit went well. my GD screen is in 3.3 weeks. i can't believe how fast this pg is going, though i'm sure the month of august will drag a bit since it will be unbearably hot. i can't wait for "fall"!

currently, my favorite pastime is watching van move around in my tummy. he pokes and prods throughout the day, but come 10 pm, he starts boogey-ing down BIG time. it looks and feels like he's having his very own dance party in there. i also feel him a lot more at night than i did DD. strangely enough, i get a lot more sleep with him than i did with DD despite all the movin' and shakin' (i feel him when i wake up to pee/breathe). with DD, i had terrible insomnia and was up most of the night, but i still didn't feel her a whole lot...not like this guy!

Big Ol' 20-week Belly Shot

2008-06-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

yep. i'm chubby. i know this. really...i do. :-) seriously...don't need reminding...i'm aware that i'm fluffy.

let's just say that van is staying in a mansion ;-p

19w5d

2008-06-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

we had another OB appt today, and the last one in which we get a sono unless something gets tricky. everything's lookin' good! the best news of the day is this : I AM GREENLIGHTED TO TRY A VBAC! this is HUGE to me.

at first, when my dr. told me she wanted to do a planned c-section, i was relieved. it meant i didn't have to face the labor failure i had with DD, and most likely wouldn't have to face the complications that came along with that failure. but, the more i got to thinking about it and especially now that i know van is a boy, i was feeling icky about the planned c-section. i'd like everything to happen in it's own time, in part b/c boys don't typically do quite as well being born early as girls do, and i didn't want to take any chances of taking van earlier than he'd like.

i am going to try once again for an unmedicated birth (using the bradley method), but because this is a VBAC, i have to stay on a monitor the entire time (dips in van's HB could indicate a uterine rupture), so we'll see if i can manage an entire birth and all the pain associated with it while tethered to a hospital bed. also, if i develop pre-e again, there'll be no VBAC...there'll be an unplanned/emergency c-section. here's hoping that pre-e doesn't happen this time!

oh, BTW, i got van's name wrong (embarassing, yes). my fil's middle name was van trauver, not van triber. also, we've made the decision for van's official middle name to be van trauver instead of rusty. oh, and one more thing...van's official first name is already decided...it was actually decided about 19 years before van was conceived (decided by DH). after the song, mighty quinn, by bob dylan, van's official name will be quintin van trauver anderson. we'll call him quinn or mighty quinn or super Q for short ;-p

17w6d...dun dun dun!!!

2008-06-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

we found out it's a BOY!!!! yay! we're super excited. now, if we could just find some cute baby boy clothes, we'd be going in the right direction. boys are harder to shop for than girls. i really only need one or two cute outfits for him, and then i have a bunch of green/yellow 0-3 month stuff left over from when DD was born (we didn't know she was a girl for sure).

things are going well on the PG front. i'm still dealing with a little bit of indigestion/reflux, but it's not bad. my energy is way up. and, so far, this horrid TX heat is not killing me. i'm not growing too fast now, either, which is nice. i can still see my feet, get my shoes on, and pick up all the stuff that ends up on the floor during a regular day in our house.

our next prenatal visit with the regular OB is 6/23! wooooooooooohooooooooooo!

next belly pic is at 20 weeks (2 weeks from today).

16w0d Belly Shot

2008-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

earlier in the day + having lost 3 pounds of IVF weight, i think + less bloated = less ginormous

14w6d

2008-05-20T12:57:00.001-07:00

i had my 2nd OB appt. today, and everything's looking great. Van* is doing well. i have been able to feel him move for a couple weeks now...sporadic flutterings just above my pelvic bone. i'm still HUGE, but have actually gone down just a little (maybe lost some of the IVF bloat) and have actually lost a couple pounds. i think i'll take my pg pics in the morning from now on. that last one was from evening, and frankly, by the end of the day, i look like a whale ;-p

my m/s is slowly getting better. i still crave things that make me sick (tomatoes, onions, and oranges), and the days i answer those cravings are very LOOONNNNGGG days.

i am finally well after nearly 6 weeks of various illnesses, and i'm thoroughly enjoying feeling great!

my contract job is up/done next week, and i cannot wait. working until midnight most nights is not helping with my sleep issues (i have insomnia much like i did with DD) or with my health issues. i am looking forward to not working for a while and just spoiling DD rotten and enjoying all the one-on-one time i can get with her.

here are Van's stats:

hb in the 140s to low 150s
measuring within a couple days of his due date
moving a lot...especially when i eat sugar or partake of the few mg of caffiene i allow myself each day.

we have an appt. with the peri on 6/10 and another OB appt on 6/23. i'll post another belly pic next week.

*the story of Van's name: as you know, we lost my FIL this year. his middle name was van triber. i love this name. can't explain why, but i do. so, i call this bean van triber. DH calls him van b/c FIL hated his full middle name and tried to drop the triber. another random note : regardless of gender, this bean's middle name will be Rusty after my FIL.

12w0days : A Big Ol' Belly Shot

2008-04-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

good, lawd! i am GINORMOUS. see...now you know why i have been having to work so hard to hide my identity at work/out in public.

see the red dog right in front of me? she's assigned herself the task of constant protector. she shadows me night and day. she's always been weird, but she's turned it up a few notches in the past few weeks!

back to the big ol' belly -- i have to keep reminding myself that i started off chubbier than i did with DD, this is my 2nd pg to make it this far, and i have a tipped uterus (i showed early with DD too, and i think the ol' tipped uterus must have something to do with it). i am actually less hungry at this point than i as with DD, and i've gained less weight so far. oh, and i'm sure that my progesterone level of 200-something isn't helping matters either. i was poking out within days of the transfer, and i'm SURE that had everything to do with my crazy hormone levels.

next prenatal visit is in 3 weeks. next belly shot in 4.

10w6days

2008-04-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

today, i had my first OB appt. with my bright, shiny, new OB. i LOVED her. she put me at ease instantly and answered all my questions frankly. the highlights are these :

she gave me what i feel is great advice regarding my birth choices for this pg (important since the complications i had with DDs birth have had a large impact). i've been arguing with myself about trying to have a natural VBAC and just going for the planned c-section. one thing i had not considered and that the dr. pointed out to me pretty emphatically is that i am at a greater risk for uterine rupture than a regular c-section patient. after DD's birth, the dr. who delivered her had had to perform a b-lynch suture and over sew several holes in my uterus before he could control my post-partum hemorrhage. it's been a couple years now since DD's birth, and i still have nightmares about it, and even more importantly, a lot of regrets. i want to avoid that this time. i'm giving up my dream of a natural birth and going the planned medical route in hopes that i am able to avoid the complications that made it difficult to focus on and bond with my DD when she was born.
one benefit of being as old as the hills is that i will simultaneously get care from my OB and a perinatologist.
even though i'm old as the hills, my doc is not pushing me to do the genetic screenings that are usually strongly suggested for a mom my age. i will not terminate, so doing those screenings would just give me a ton of stress. we will hope for the best, and deal with whatever may come.
b/c of my history with severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP, my new OB will start running liver panels on me around mid pregnancy to keep an eye on possible liver damage/signs of pre-e.
my doctor is sono happy! coming from the world of IF, i'm used to getting lots of sonos, and i was afraid i was going to have to wait until the anatomy scan to see this person again. nope! i got a quick sono today, and everything's looking really good. i got to see a little bouncing, waving person in there. and, i got to see that my horrible cough doesn't hurt him/her; it just provides an entertaining living environment ;-p

my next OB appt. is in 4 weeks. i will be waiting until i'm 14 weeks to announce my pg publicly, but i know most people are on to me with all the glances and open stares directed at my expanding tummy ;-p

10w0days

2008-04-16T08:11:00.001-07:00

today was supposed to be my first OB appt, but it seems i have the flu. every fiber of my being is in pain, and the nausea i was experiencing with the pg is now triple what it was. i have rescheduled my OB appt. for next tuesday. in the mean time, i'm trying to get TFC to tell me if i can take anything for this excruciating pain. rice packs/hot water bottles are doing NOTHING for me.

more later...

Proof of Life

2008-04-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

today was our 8w0d HB sono.

there's one baby.

HB is 167 (same as DD's at 6w4d)

baby is measuring 8w2d (DD consistently measured 2 or more days ahead t/o her duration inside my tummy).

we are ECSTATIC! and, once again, we are stunned silent.

Today's Beta and Sono

2008-03-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

today's beta was very good. my level is now 16263, which brings my doubling time to 2.23 days (this is well within the normal range for 6w1d).

today's sono showed a nice pg sac, but no HB is detectable at this time. dr. v is not worried, and he gave me 4 things to consider : he doesn't like to do the HB sono until at LEAST 6.5 weeks b/c he doesn't expect to see the HB reliably before then, my bladder was too full, my tipped uterus makes it difficult to see things clearly, and the sac is on the very edge of my endometrium (which also contributes to difficulty seeing stuff).

WEIRD SIDE NOTE : 3 separate times, i thought i saw something flickering inside the sac as he was moving the cooter cam around.

i am determined not to worry. i know there are those that believe if you don't see a HB at 6 weeks that things are not good, but i'm going to trust dr. v on this one. plus, with our family situation, i have too much to worry about already.

i am done with beta testing. my next sono is scheduled for 4/2, but if i get back into town before friday of next week, i will try to move it up.

Sono Appt Moved Due to Funeral

2008-03-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

ironically, dr. v has to go out of town tomorrow morning for a funeral, so my sono has been moved to 5:15. i think i prefer this, actually, b/c by then, my blood test results will be in, too. tomorrow promises to be a looonnnggg day. i'm still plotting and planning how to get a non-morning toddler and her non-morning mama dressed and out of the house in time for me to have my blood drawn before 8, get livie to the pedi for a pre-flight ear check by 8:30, and have livie to school by 9ish :-) previously, i stumbled out of the house in sweats while DH stayed with DD, and then i returned home where i could shower, eat, and get dressed at a more civilized time (when DH is here, i leave for my lab draws at 6:20 a.m. (this s HORRID to me. i don't do morning)).

Monitoring Levels from Afar (Updated)

2008-03-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

****
(UPDATE) dr. v is going to work me in for an early sono and a one-day-earlier blood draw/beta on thursday morning.
****

last october, we were preparing to start a fresh IVF cycle and decided to cancel b/c my FIL had become gravely ill and was not expected to live. i can't say he recovered from that illness b/c he's been hospitalized since (nearly 6 months), but he did improve some. over the last several weeks, his health has begun to decline further, and he's now been labeled terminal and we've been told his one remaining lung is simply failing (he has only one lung thanks to an auto-immune response to the agent orange he was exposed to in 1968 and 1969 during the vietnam war). two days ago, he simultaneously requested IV pain meds that he controls (pump system) and signed a DNR. the pain meds (all narcotics, that is) depress the respiratory system. you can see where this is going...

my DH is already headed for the homeland. my DD and i will follow shortly. i am hoping to delay our departure until after my next beta, which is friday morning. but, in the mean time, i did get permission to travel and did ask about getting an early sono to see what we can see (and to move up the beta as well).

prayers and positive thoughts on all fronts are greatly appreciated!

Double Me

2008-03-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

after a week of being in the 8th circle of hell, a.k.a limbo, we got fantastic news today that my number is up to 2540 (up from 595 on tuesday). my doubling time is now less than 48 hours.

i'm stunned nearly silent. the only sound i can make consistently includes a lot of slobber and sniffling, if you KWIM.

i test again next friday.

Still in Limbo

2008-03-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

well, my levels are still rising, and they're rising at about the same rate, but they're also still not doubling. friday's level was 331, today's level is 595, and the doubling time is now 3.49 days rather than the 3.24 days of last week.

dr. v instructs me to remain cautiously optimistic. my other numbers, progesterone and estrogen, are still REALLY high; my progesterone is 197 (down from 201 after 4 days off the shots), and my estrogen is up to 28o0 after 4 days off the pills.

i'm not really sure what to think, but i'm going to work hard on staying optimistic.

next beta is not until friday. hopefully, by then, there will be a clear picture one way or the other...

Limbo is a Sad and Rotten Place to Be (Updated)

2008-03-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

my hcg did not double. TFC expects to see a rise of 1.6 times the original number in 48 hours, and that didn't happen either. according to this calculator, my doubling time is over 4 days. this is not good. my progesterone and estrogen levels are skyrocketing, so they're taking me off those meds, which scares the ever living shit out of me. i expect to be bleeding by sunday.

it's not looking good. i'm EXTREMELY sad. please keep your crossables crossed that something miraculous happens.

(UPDATE) i was wrong about my number wednesday and today. wednesday, i was too ecstatic to hear properly over the blood rushing through my ears/heart/brain. today, i had a VERY upset toddler in my lap and misheard the number. so the original number is 216 and today's number is 331. this still isn't great as it is not a doubling number (doubling time is 3.24 days rather than the 4.48 i originally calculated). also, it does not meet the TFC standard of a 1.6 x original # rise (that number would be 345, so i'm off by several points). we are going to TRY to remain optimistic and to hold out hope, but it's not an ideal picture.

Stunned Silence

2008-03-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

i started peeing on things 8 days past our 3-day transfer and i got a very, very faint positive. by day 12, the positive was definitely positive. today's quantitative HCG blood draw showed a level of 221. my progesterone is 187.

These numbers are GOOD...VERY good!!!!

we are super excited, yet we are still very cautious. in the world of IF, you usually do 3 quantitative HCG tests: one at 14 days past retrieval (fertilization day), another 48 hours after that, and another 48 hours after the 2nd test. at each of those 48-hour increments, we are looking for the HCG level to double, which indicates a healthy pregnancy that is growing at a good rate.

three cheers for doubling! more info on friday...

oh, one more thing, dr. v called me HIMSELF this afternoon to congratulate me and tell me how good things are looking. i was as nervous as a school girl getting her first call from a boy ;-p i'm in awe of dr. v, and i can't believe he actually makes the call himself! i think he might have done the same when we got our positive after the FET that brought us our DD, but i'm not sure...

Shooting Up in Front of Your 2 Year Old, Left vs. Right, and POAS

2008-02-28T12:45:00.000-08:00

shooting up
this is not a gripe. i promise. there are no words to describe how happy, thankful, and humbled i am to have my 2 year old. i just never thought i'd be shooting up in front of her ;-p

my DH had to work very late last night, so that left me to do my PIO shot with "assistance". typically, i do this shot while DH is giving DD a bath. well, i spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to keep DD occupied while i attended to business, and i decided to move my shot up about 20 minutes and dinner back about 30 minutes. that way, i could do my shot while she was busy gnoshing on her organic spaghetti ohs.

it worked except that i had to prep the shot and made the mistake of doing that at the dinner table. i have to say that DD was quite fascinated and had fun trying to steal various items from me (don't worry, i kept the needles on the counter near the table and FAR away from her). as i was prepping the shot and trying to tell DD a little about what i was doing and why, it ocurred to me, with a knife pain in my heart, that i hope to hell she never has to go through this.

IF is on the rise, and there is much speculation as to why. if it's on the rise now (some stats indicate 30% of women over 30 experience some level of IF), what does that mean for her future? my god. that's just too much to think about right now.

since our IF is a combination of MFI and FFI, there is a chance that DD could inherit some tendency toward hormonal imbalances like mine, but i hope not. my MIL insists that DD is JUST like her (that's a whole other post for a whole other (uncensored) blog), and she had NO problems getting pg, staying pg, and giving birth to healthy children. so, i'm hoping that this is one way in which DD is just like MIL.

left vs. right
i promise this is not a lead-in to a political soap box. i am speaking of left and right HANDS. um. i always thought my left hand was there sorta to provide balance and symmetry and basically only for decoration, but it turns out that lefty is actually MUCH better at administering PIO shots than righty. who knew? in hopes of NOT torquing my right pectoral again, i decided to give myself my PIO shot with my left hand b/c it was left butt cheek's turn to be tortured. it was virtually painless!

poas
the urge to pee on things is becoming stronger by the minute. it's a good thing that i have already ordered my pee sticks and that they won't be here for a few days b/c the urge is overwhelming. of course, i do have to run to CVS tonight to get DD's prescription...

Frosties

2008-02-27T12:46:00.000-08:00

i got the call this morning that our remaining 5 embryos had stalled out/stopped growing, so we have no frosties from this cycle. this makes me sad, and it scares me a bit b/c it means that if this doesn't work, we're faced with another fresh cycle if we want to try again. *sigh*

on a more positive note, i have had a dream each of the last 3 nights that i was pregnant! in each of those dreams, i am pregnant with the twin boys i dreamt of having when i was pg with DD. okay, lemme back up a bit...

when i was 4 months pg with DD, we did not yet know her gender, but i had a very vivid dream in which i had a beautiful little round-faced, dark-haired, dark-eyed toddler girl helping me feed identical twin boys who had my long, thin face. my DD looks just like the little girl in that dream, and thus, i'm convinced that at some point, we will be having identical twin boys. i can dream, can't i :-)

i haven't yet peed on anything; i'm pretty proud of myself. but, i must confess, i just bought a set of early pg detection pee sticks. i plan to test late monday/early tuesday before the beta on wednesday. typically, i like surprises, but i am not sure i can stomach a call to tell me it's neg (if that is the case). i'd rather know before the call. and, if the pee sticks come out positive, that's even better!

(UPDATED) Random Thoughts about Things Such as PITA PIO Shots and the Dangers of Artificial Sweetners

2008-02-24T17:17:00.000-08:00

i'm a moron for never having used ice for PIO shots before. the 1st time i went 3 weeks and the 2nd time i went 13 weeks doing PIO shots daily without ice.

cotton balls stick to frozen skin

it is possible to get a charlie horse in your pectoral as you contort yourself to give a PIO shot on your non-dominant side with your dominant hand

after doing my shot on my non dominant side and giving myself a charlie horse, i raced to look at my butt chart to make sure i'd put the needle in the right place (i did). along the way, i noticed that my gold folder includes more detailed post transfer instructions than what i got after the transfer yesterday. turns out that i was absolutely not supposed to consume artificial sweetner (which is listed on the same line as OTC and prescription drugs in my list of warnings). so, that means i SUCK ASS for having drank 1.5 diet dps and 2 20 oz bottles of flavored water with artificial sweetner in them. i realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is not even a blip on the radar, but it still worries me. oh, let the mental health issues begin....

(MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE)
after obsessing most of the night about my beverage faux paus since the transfer, i decided to ask dr. google this morning, and here's what he has to say : http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/artificialsweetner.htm.

all that said, though, i will be far more cautious going forward. i do not know what's wrong with me; i was over-the-top cautious WEEKS before the transfers for our last two cycles. this time, i'm in it, but i'm just not consumed by it. that could have something to do with juggling a sick toddler, a heavy work load, and my own lingering-for-six-weeks-i'm-going-to-cough-up-a-kidney issues. oh, and the cough drops i was sucking down by the dozen before the transfer, they're not kosher either. fortunately, i've had only one since the transfer. now, i'm sucking down honey and tea like crazy...

Three Embies Onboard

2008-02-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

today's transfer went great. there was a grade 1 8-cell, a grade 2 9-cell that is already compacting and trying to be a blastocyst (this one's a grade 2 simply b/c the cells differ slightly in size), and a grade 2.5 8-cell onboard. unfortunately, it's not looking like the remaining embies are doing too well...they're all pretty slow growing. of course, our DD was not in the top 3 from our first IVF cycle, and she made it to viable blast stage, was cryopreserved, had no problems thawing (no cell shedding at all), and now she's a beautiful little girl. so, i should never say never!

dr. v really wanted me to transfer just 2, but i just couldn't do it. at my age and knowing that the remaining embies were slow growing, i just felt like 3 was the right number. DH is shaking in his shoes that we'll end up with multiples, but with our history, i just don't see that happening.

beta HCG is scheduled for wednesday, 3/5. i plan to do everything in my power not to POAS before then, but it's unlikely i'll be able to stick to that plan ;-p

Fertilization Report

2008-02-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

11 of our 16 eggs were mature and had ICSI performed on them. 8 of those 11 fertilized normally. we'll get another fertilization report on saturday, and that report will determine if we're doing a 3-day transfer (on saturday) or a 5-day transfer on monday.

Retrieved

2008-02-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

16 eggs were harvested from my swollen, sore little ovaries today. we'll get the fertilization report sometime tomorrow. i am a little surprised that there were 16 when at least 2 of my sonos showed 20+ follies, but i guess some of those were just plain ol' cysts.

it seems as though i might escape OHSS this time. i am trying to be proactive about it by drinking tons of fluid/electrolytes. and, i think the fact that i just didn't have as many eggs/follies this time is a huge help as well.

Trigger Happy

2008-02-18T18:47:00.001-08:00

i did my trigger shot 1 hour and 46 minutes ago. i gave the follies a pep talk before and after the shot. i sure hope they heard it.

today dr. v counted 18 follies and of those 11 are looking really good for retrieval, 4 are looking iffy, and 3 are no goes*. my estradiol level is over 2500, which is good and indicates a nice fluffy lining.

i go in at 5:45 wednesday morning, and i should be out of there by 8:45 a.m. and free to sit on my duff all day. poor DH. he has to take care of me and a fussy toddler!

next post will be the fertility report! GASP!

*this count is most likely quite inaccurate and differs quite a bit from yesterday's sono. dr. v counted only a few follies before turning over the cooter cam to a doctor-in-training. i have to give her kudos, though, for learning dr. v's gentle cooter cam techniques. she didn't cause me too much undue pain ;-p

Estimated ER Date

2008-02-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

i've had two more gonal-f checks since my last post, and things are coming along nicely. i have 14 follies that are earmarked as "good", another 6 that are next in line, but questionable, and another 3 or 4 that are very small at this point. after today's appt, dr. v estimated that i'd be doing my trigger tomorrow night, retrieval early on wednesday, and most likely a transfer next saturday.

i'm still pretty uncomfortable, but i think i'm getting used to it :-) i'm not much of a morning person, so the biggest drag right now is the blood draws before 8 a.m. :-)

i have one more blood draw and sono tomorrow, and then will have more definitive news!

P.S. d, dr. v was in khaki's and a button-down. it wasn't the jeans and casual shirt i expected, but it was a diversion from his usual suit! i'm looking forward to the scrubs on wednesday ;-)

The Gold Folder

2008-02-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

so, today was my 2nd gonal-f stimming blood draw/sono checkup to see how my little eggies are doing. i went to a different lab this morning; one that was closer to my house. when i got there just a few minutes after 7, the waiting area already had several folks in it. along the way, a couple more walked in, and then it happened...i spotted one carting the same gold folder i was. i noticed the other gold-folder carrier eyeing me when i came out from my blood draw. i have to admit that if the waiting room had been less full, i prolly would have marched myself over to introduce myself and strike up a conversation.

so, the stats from today are 14 follies ranging in size from 7 to 14 mm, an estradiol level of 621, and an appt for another checkup on sunday. right now, dr. v is estimating we'll do retrieval on wednesday, but the nurses were speculating that it would be early based on the one follie that is 14 mm (they will do the ER when there are 2 follies that measure 20 mm).

i asked about my tender abdomen and dr. v said it's normal. i was also worried about exercise restrictions, and he just said to avoid high impact stuff. i'm assuming, now, that i feel so much more this time b/c my uterus is all stretched out from my pregnancy with our DD. who knows? all i know is that i feel "fragile" :-)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHHHH!

2008-02-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

stimulation HURTS. how did i forget this from last time? i feel "fragile". i'm pretty bloated, sore, and heavy feeling. i know that these symptoms are good in the scheme of things, so i'm trying not to complain too much.

here's a funny story related to my sore tummy. i was telling my DD that i wanted daddy to hold her b/c it hurt me to hold her. when she looked at me quizzically, i told her that i had eggs in my tummy and that my tummy was sore. she promptly lifted her own t-shirt, poked at her tummy, marched over to the fridge, demanded daddy open it, and then grabbed the carton of eggs once the fridge door was open. a tantrum ensued when DH had to wrestle an egg from her (i do NOT know how she got it out of the carton without breaking it, but she did and ran off to a carpeted bedroom. YIKES!).

Shooting Up in Public and other Random Observations

2008-02-11T18:20:00.000-08:00

today was my first sono/blood draw after starting gonal-f, and things seem to be moving along well. i have 7 follies on the right and 3 on the left. they range in size from 4 mm to 8 mm. my blood draw today returned a result of 121 for my estradiol level. i can't remember for sure, but i think it has to be somewhere in the 1000s before retrieval?

i had to do my first two shots away from home in the past two days. last night, DH and i had a date night to celebrate our 6th dataversary, and it coincided with shot time. so, i shot up in the car. not comfy. not enough elbow room in there. but, i managed :-)

today, i did my lupron shot in the public restroom right next to my RE's office. my appt. was early, and it coincided with my lupron timing.

all in all, these two public shootup episodes were much better than with our last cycle. i had to shoot up at work more than once, and i dropped a vial of meds at least once (and had it roll down the stalls). i also had to shoot up in an airport last cycle; dropped the vial on that one, too, and i was sure the DEA was going to get me ;-p

overall, things seem to be going well! i'm cautiously optimistic, and i'm pretty happy that my response is still pretty good. i was afraid that my "advanced" age would have had more of an impact.

can i just say that the cooter cam HURTS?!?! i didn't remember this particular "feature" from last cycle.

oh, one other random note, we IFers are everywhere. i bonded with the insurance rep i talked to today to clear all our procedures. after she finished getting and verifying all our CPT codes, she told me her own story regarding becoming a parent (and dealing with IF), and very warmly wished me the best of luck. i was quite touched.

Cleared for Takeoff!

2008-02-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

oh, today's appt. was goooooooodddddd (use the voice of bruce, the shark from finding nemo...the big guy when he gets a whiff of dory's blood (sorry, i see this movie A LOT)).

i can barely contain my enthusiasm about how good the appt was, so please excuse any random streams of consciousness pouring forth.

cysts : none
AF : started
stims : start tomorrow
insurance : lifetime max applies to each of us, not both of us as one unit
boys on ice : we have two straws left
verdict : if, for some reason, this cyle doesn't work, we will have enough ins. coverage to do another, and with just one straw left after this cycle, our attempts will come to a natural close. while this is sad, it is also a blessing in disguise and a huge relief. the hard decision is taken from us. we don't have to make the decision to stop trying. that's HUGE to me. it is such a huge relief. i cannot begin to convey the relief.

alrighty. here we go. buckle up for a bumpy ride, folks. i will regale you with tales from the shooting gallery....and the resulting ripe-grape effect on the ol' ovaries...

Our Flight Has Been Delayed

2008-02-06T18:19:00.000-08:00

AF missed her connection. or something. she was supposed to be here by yesterday afternoon or this morning at the latest. no dice. i have my pre-gonal-f sono tomorrow (to make sure i'm clear of cysts), and then we'll just be waiting until AF arrives and is here a couple days before we start stims. i'm ready to get this show on the road!!

random : what do you say to someone who announces, on their blog, that they are 2 weeks pregnant? suppose this person was, at some point, a reasonably close friend to you and knew that you suffered from infertility. add to that fact that the person knows that you are in the middle of the 9th circle of hell, also known as a fresh IVF cyle. also, add to that the fact that this person knows you read her blog daily. do you take it personally? i have. i'm sad, mad, jealous, incredulous, and hurt. i know, the world does not revolve around me, and there is a 99.99999% chance that this person does not even remember that she has a friend who battles IF. but, it still sucks ass.

The Irony

2008-02-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

so, i'm just truckin' along with my lupron shots and anticipating my pre-stim sono and blood test in two days. it's weird to think that this time next week, i'll be gearing up for a retrieval and transfer!

along the way, i noticed in my prepatory paperwork that i was "admonished" to do my best to avoid cold, flu, and sinus infections. yeah. it's february. in texas. where cedars breed like mad. hmmm. so, now i'm battling a doozie of a cold, but when i told my NP what was coming up in my IF world, she immediately gave me an Rx for a z-pack, which gives me peace of mind that whatever this is will not get a chance to settle and become a really nasty infection.

Doin' The Lupron Dance

2008-01-30T20:33:00.001-08:00

my friend, d, came up with this adorable euphimism for shooting oneself up with menopause-inducing drugs. ohh, these are good drugs. you can save money on your heating bill with all those hot flashes. seriously, i'm ALWAYS cold. not today. nope. hotter than hell, that was me!

all in all, the shot went well. it's amazing how you don't forget how to do this stuff. i must say that i'm pretty impressed with the technological advances since the last time i did this. my gonal-f now comes in this really nifty pre-filled, pre-mixed pen-type syringe. wow! that's so much easier than having to mix it all up and fill the syringes...just fewer steps and less time to get freaked out.

i did soothe myself during shot-giving by playing a montage of pics of my little DD, who just turned 2. what better than an adorable reminder of why we're doing this to ourselves...

A Picture of What's to Come

2008-01-26T18:18:00.000-08:00

my IF drugs arrived today. i don't think i've ever been so glad to see a box of needles and various meds that will simultaneously make me nuts and fertile.

one big difference i noticed about this assortment of drugs is my trigger shot. it's called orvidrel. last time we did this, the trigger shot was the scariest one b/c it had to be timed precisely and injected exactly correctly to work. we were in NYC when we did that shot. last time, it was an IM shot, and since we weren't on PIO yet, it was our first IM shot. i'll always wonder if that cycle went so poorly b/c we did that shot wrong. this time, our trigger is a sub-Q shot. sub-Q is SO much easier; especially now that i'm 3 years older and a lot fluffier. lord knows i have more Q to work with.

ohhhh, what a relief it is!

1 Pound from Goal

2008-01-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

i had started weight watchers in late october hoping that i could lose a few pounds in the 6 weeks before i might be pregnant via our 2nd fresh IVF cycle. but then, things happened and we made the decision to delay. well, that gave me more time to work on my weight loss, and that has been a good thing. i am just 1 pound away from my initial goal now, and i'm pretty stoked. of course, it's rather silly of me to be excited b/c as soon as i start shooting up various synthetic forms of female hormones, all weight-loss bets are off ;-p

being on weight watchers has been a great way to make me more more conscious of what i put in my mouth and to be more diligent about tracking my food intake and exercise habits. hopefully, these habits will come in handy when the lupron, gonal-f, and PIO cravings and appetite kick in!

1, 2, CD3...GO!!

2008-01-19T07:41:00.000-08:00

CD3 was yesterday. so, i took my first active BCP (for the intended purpose, finally) last night. i'm preparing to go on a road trip with my DD today, and i'm freaked out that i will forget my BCP and trash this cycle.

i am having a really hard time focusing on this cyle and even remembering we're on it. i'm sure this will change as the dr. appts ramp up and i start doing injections 2x a day. right now, i'm weirded out by how detached i feel. i know this is largely due to being busy with my DD and work, but still... i think i need to spend some time in quiet thought and reflection on what this cycle will mean for our family. i am very excited to have the opportunity to try to have another child, and i need to remember that and focus on it.

And....We're Back!

2008-01-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

after a few-months hiatus, we are once again entering the world of IF treatments. oh, goody. ;-p

strange feelings have come and gone in these past few months. we've vacillated from thinking we'll do as many cycles as it takes to thinking that we'll just quit now and that the bug will be an only.

well, we've reached a compromise. we're preparing to do our 2nd fresh IVF cycle (will start BCPs in earnest this week), and we're pretty sure this is it unless one of us lands a job with insurance that provides good infertility coverage.

i've been spending a lot of time out here in the IF blogsphere lurking on your blogs and following your journeys. i've seen a lot of wonderful, happy things, and i've seen some sad, horrible things. this is one tough place to be, even as a mere spectator...

Honored

2007-11-15T18:40:00.000-08:00

courtney over at baby moxie passed this award on to me this past week. i feel extremely honored, and a little like i don't deserve it. i spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity during my IF treatments in 2005, but when it comes down to it, i've had a much easier road than a lot of folks out there.

i'd like to pass this award on to the following people for the specified reasons:

I Don't Want Sextuplets - b/c i admire the author's attitude and approach to her IF experience. the author's bio desc. really hit a nerve with me b/c i've gone through the same evolution of feelings, and i am not able to make others understand (others being fertiles) where i'm coming from. it's nice to know i'm not the only one who feels this way.

Infertility...I Wish I Could Quit You - b/c the author has been through absolute hell, but she somehow manages to keep her chin up, continue taking care of her students, and deal with her students' demanding parents.

Life as a Sandwich - b/c i am in awe of how well she's handled all that she has to deal with just for herself as well as helping take care of her MIL. i aspire to this author's level of togetherness and selflessness.

Baby Moxie - b/c i'm touched by and deeply admire this author's gentle, caring spirit. i don't know how she finds such wide spaces in her heart for others while she goes through her own struggles.

National Infertility Awareness Week Starts Today

2007-11-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

In support of any and all IFers close to you, please go vote for the Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters blog. the author of this blog has been nominated for an award for Best Medical/Health Issues blog. the author of this blog is pivotal in the IF blogging world. her efforts help support, inform, and connect people who are dealing with IF.

Click the following link to vote : (http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php blog-1.php). You can vote once every 24 hours.

Thank you for your support!

STET

2007-11-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

that's dork for "let it stand", don't change it, leave it alone. STET is typically a copy editing term, but i find it useful in other situations, too.

we are sorta canceling this IVF cycle. we have returned to the mother ship to rally around family as one of our beloved family members battles a very serious illness. right now, things are touch and go, and nothing's looking very good. so, we've decided to delay the IVF schedule and just "cycle thru" until january. this will leave us free to travel back to the mother ship at a moment's notice without having to cancel a cycle and lose a LOT of money. also, we need to keep our emotional reserves for family; we won't have them to spare on the IVF process, which we all know is HELLA emotional.

i'm exiting the IF blogsphere as a writer for a while, but i'll still be here as a reader. i look forward to following my fellow cycle sistas and brothers in their journeys.

The Way We Were

2007-10-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

i take my first BCP tonight; it's CD3.

thinking about and reminding myself to take this pill brings back some "funny" memories. birth control....ohhhh, to need it. no, not to start the path toward a fresh IVF cycle...no, i mean needing it for ACTUAL birth control. it "almost" makes me giggle to think of the things i've done to my body to prevent pregnancy (before i knew the system wasn't "go"): latex. i'm allergic, so condoms aren't fun for me. BCPs. they make me fat and crazy; 'nuf said. the IUD. the "installation" was hella painful. all for naught. i wonder what it'd be like to get pregnant accidentally....? IVF is so incredibly far from accidental that i can barely wrap my mind around the concept of being pregnant without planning it, shooting up drugs to attain it, and worrying constantly that it won't happen/stick/end with a take-home baby.

bunny trail : while we were on vacation and out for dinner, we had the occasion to be sitting near a table where a VERY young woman was having dinner with her 6mo. i was a little bothered, but i tried not to stare and obsess about how she came about that 6mo (besides the obvious ;-p) and how easily it probably was for her to get pregnant with him. just as we were getting ready to leave, here comes another "baby" with a baby; the two young women knew each other. the girls were both waitresses at the restaurant, and apparently, both teen/young moms. given where we are in the family planning deal, i was pretty green with envy having observed these incredibly young women who seemingly were given what is taking us so much pain (figuratively and literally) to achieve. i hope they know how lucky they are...

Suppress Me

2007-10-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

AF showed up exactly on time according to my weird 35-day cycles today. so, i'll be starting BCPs on sunday, and will get my full-blown IVF schedule next week. i'm excited, nervous, and scared all in one.

one thing i keep forgetting to blog about, and that i find truly amazing, is that now that i'm doing a fresh IVF cycle with TFC, i'm finding that my experience is VERY different from my last fresh IVF experience. that one was horrid. personally, i think it bordered on malpractice horrid. i submitted a letter (very detailed...10 pages) to the texas medical board about the whole experience. 2 days after i got home from the hospital after having livie, i got a letter back from the medical board stating that my complaint was being dismissed and that the care i received was within the normal parameters. hah! i didn't know that negligence was "normal".

anyhoo, after doing my FET cycle with TFC and feeling VERY well cared for and even cared about, i was expecting my fresh cycle experience to be different, but i didn't accurately anticipate HOW different.

when i got done with my initial consult with Dr. Vaughn and later called in with a question about the protocol, i found out that ... are you ready for this... i have an IVF nurse dedicated to leading me through the entire process! this is amazing to me! we were so jerked around with our last fresh cycle...we didn't know what was going to happen next until it happened...we got wrong information or were misinformed SO many times. our schedule was changed repeatedly, we were given permission to travel only to have it revoked 3 hours later (i was ON A PLANE when the call came through to my VM telling me i had to be in town for my retrieval. if they had told me that the labs i did that day could impact travel, i would have canceled that trip right then and there, but they told me repeatedly that i was cleared for travel).

ugh...i shouldn't wallow in this negativity. let me stop here and say that i'm super excited to know that ONE person (give or take for sickness/vacation/whatev) will be helping me understand and anticipate each step of this process. that's HUGE to me. i love TFC!

Here CD1-CD1-CD1....

2007-10-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

i've been enjoying a nice vacation with my family and have been away from the IF blogsphere for a few days. it's been great to not focus on our upcoming cycle for a few days, but now that i'm home and i know that AF is due ANY MINUTE NOW, i'm getting antsy. i so tenderly protected my BCPs the entire trip only to find that i didn't need them (it seems AF is going to follow her "normal schedule" this month rather than playing games with me like she's been doing. hmmph! the one time i wanted her to play games...)

(not so) patiently waiting to board the crazy train,
-lori

Decaffin-a-a-a-tion is Makin' Me Crazed

2007-10-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

sung to the tune of Anticipation...

my name is lori, and i am a caffeine addict.

i typically start my day with a very large cup of super-strong coffee (my husband and brother hate to drink my coffee, if that tells you anything). throughout the day, i typically consume 3 to 6 other caffeinated beverages.

project decaffeinate-me started today.

during previous cycles, i started my decaffeination at the same time i started whatever drug was first (for the fresh cycle, that was BCPs; for the FET, that was some sort of estrogen pill...can't remmy the name).

6 weeks after livie was born, at which point i realized i was never going to be able to BF her, i jumped onto the caffeine bandwagon with all my might, so it's going to take me a little longer to climb down this time.

today, i started my step-down program with my own "1/2 caf" blend. i put two heaping scoops of not-at-all-delicious-smelling decaf coffee in with 2 tiny scoops of my favorite dark roast coffee with 5 cups of water. i drank only 1 cup of this brew, though i could have used several ;-p it didn't taste too bad at all, but i started getting THE HEADACHE by mid morning. t/o the day, i've stuck to decaf beverages.

all in all, it's been a pretty good day considering my "unmedicated" state :-)

What She Said

2007-10-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

the stirrup queen has a moving and extremely well worded/explained post about what it feels like for her to be on the IF roller coaster.

i identify with so, so, so much of what she's said.

i know many people mean well, and there are many that don't, but some of the things people say when they find out what you're doing and why is just downright painful. i think i'll add a top 10 list of things fertiles or other "well meaning" folks should NOT say to an infertile in any stage of the process:

10. why would you go through that? you already have a kid?!
9. my friend ____ was infertile for ____ years, and then she all of a sudden got pregnant. (i'm happy for ___, but that's not going to happen for us, and telling me i should wait around for it to happen makes me feel like shit.)
8. if you take ___, and eat _____, you will have less trouble and a healthier pregnancy. (thanks, i need this reminder b/c you know, i'm not already doing everything i can to help ensure that my body can help make and host a healthy baby.)
7. omigod! you poor thing! all i had to do was drink a margarita and i got pregnant!
6. are you sure you want to do this all again?!
5. if it's god's will, it will happen. (thanks, i do not need the reminder that someone else is in charge here.)
4. i did __________ before/after/during my __________, and it worked for me (heavy on the suggestion that i should also do ______.)! (happy it worked for you, but logic dictates that doing ______ and/or ______ does not have an impact on the process and it was prolly a fluke that it worked for you. if i listened to all of these, i'd go nuts trying to keep up with all of them.)
3. dealing with _____________________ is not a big deal. i had _____________, too...it's very common (said while rolling eyes). (well, i'm sad that it's common, but that doesn't mean it feels less shitty to me!)
2. if you hadn't done _______, you wouldn't have had to go through _____________. (monday-morning quarterbacking is NEVER a good thing...especially not when you're giving the advice to someone who is already struggling to deal with whatever went wrong.)
1. oh, i just knew that wasn't a good ___________, but i didn't want to say anything. (thanks for sparing me then, but i would like to continue being spared. it's never a good idea to tell someone you knew they were going to lose a baby/have a chemical pregnancy/whatever after the fact.)

**UPDATE** ooh, good lawd, i can't believe i left these two GEMS off my little top ten. let's call it a top twelve, shall we?

1a (paraphrasing) imagine how hard this would be if the twin (livie's identical twin that we lost at 6 wks) was here. you should be glad you have only one. (i was speechless for this one)

1b (paraphrasing) it's not like you were really pregnant, right? (in reference to our early loss after our first IVF. said by a fertile who doesn't want children at all/ever (so, i should prolly go a little easier on her, right?) (again, i was speechless.)

last week, i was feeling really positive and excited about our upcoming cycle. while i'm still rather excited, i am starting to get nervous in anticipation of how hard this stuff really is. it's easier to be excited about it when you're still a ways off. i know that i will begin the suppression stage in about 1.5 weeks...i'm not worried about that one. but, i am getting worried about the stimulation stage. i'm 3 years older than the last time i did this, and i've passed that "magical" 35-years-old mark. what if the girls have gone into retirement? right now, i feel like i could handle it just fine if it ends up that we cannot have any more children and our bug is an only. but, the process of "elimination" that would get us to that point is very daunting. i'm boarding the roller coaster with butterflies in my stomach.

Greenlighted

2007-10-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

we got the great news that our IDSs are both normal and that my HSG is normal enough to proceed with this cycle (the ol' girl has a minor abnormality of her contours)! considering all the facts -- 6 units of blood, 2 units of platelets, and an oversewn rolled up roast of a uterus after livie's birth -- these results are truly amazing!

5 more days of the doxycycline, ~2 weeks until aunt flo shows up, and approximately 17 days until i start the BCP and the steep climb up the IF roller coaster....wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, i'm actually looking forward to the ride!

Doin' the Doxy

2007-10-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

tomorrow, we start our tandem doses of the ever-lovely doxycycline.

i dunno if this stuff does this to everyone, but man, it hit me like a mack truck during the prep for my first fresh IVF cycle. the directions on the bottle state, very clearly, to take this stuff with food. but, i'm tough. i have a stomach of steel. i'm not afraid of a lil heartburn. so, i approached these directions with a very cavalier attitude. ooops. after a couple bouts of extreme heartburn that i didn't connect to the Rx, i took the pill WITHOUT ANY FOOD AT ALL (it had been 3 hours since bfast, and i was expecting to go get lunch in another hour). well, let me tell you, that stuff knocked me on my ass. within 5 minutes of taking it without food, i was hanging over a toilet in a restroom at WORK (good times). i had to stay there for about 15 minutes fighting the urge to lie down on the floor and die.

i'm scared of this drug now. i have absolutely no problem eating...i love to eat. i mean LOVE to eat. but, i think i might overdo it a bit in the next 7 days trying to stave off the gigantic hole that can be burned into my stomach by this stuff. i'm thinking a non-stop feed-my-face-fest for the entire 7 days. i might even (gasp) drink MILK (the only time i like milk is when i'm preggers...or when i was a kid b/c it was what my mom served us).

Ohhh, the Irony

2007-10-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

i finally went in to CVS to pick up the doxycycline and BCP prescriptions i've left languishing all week. it took the pharmacy FOREVER to update my customer information and then ring up the scripts. in the mean time, a pharmacist comes over to counsel me on the meds. i had to hold my breath and work REALLY REALLY REALLY hard not to roll my eyes or giggle when she started in on the lecture about the ineffectiveness of BCPs when you're taking antibiotics. she very seriously told me "you might want a backup method for the week you're on the antibiotics and the week after.", and i'm thinking "no problem, i'm sure my IF will keep me covered." ;-p

oh, and i did finally go in to get blood drawn for the IDS screen, too. i forgot how much blood they draw for that...it made me a weensy bit woozy since i hadn't eaten lunch yet. but, on the plus side, i think the phlebotomist that did the draw is the most gentle person i've encountered in my millions of blood draws. i pretty much didn't feel a thing, and i didn't bruise like i usually do.

Radioactive

2007-10-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

as i sit here typing this, i am leaking radioactive dye from my whoo haa. good times. well, they certainly weren't bad times :-) i had my 2nd HSG this morning, and this, while not pleasant by any means, was far less uncomfortable than the one i had a few years ago. if you live in the austin area, don't mind a drive up to round rock, and have to have an HSG, i highly highly highly recommend gerrie at the austin radioligical association office in rock creek plaza. she rocks.

not that i can read such things, but it looked like the dye flowed through all the bits correctly. i did feel quite a bit of twingy-ness on my left, but i feel that often. i very likely have a nice, big cyst growing happily over there (gotta love PCOS, dontcha). the only thing that gerrie noted (and keep in mind she's not trained to analyze the results, only to administer the procedure) was that my uterus is pretty tipped, but i knew that. my lovely tipped uterus was the cause of of some mightily painful mock transfers and ultimately a very "personalized" catheter for the actual transfers.

okay, one more rather large hurdle has been crossed! next up, my IDS (infectious disease screening)...

Foiled

2007-09-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

well, my HSG had to be rescheduled. after waiting an hour to be seen, it took the tech only a few minutes to determine that aunt flo had not left the building (despite my having no evidence of her lingering visit). so, i had to reschedule for monday. bleh. i'm ready to get this one over with. i plan to do my IDS next week too, to get that out of the way. i'm eager to get this show on the road...i don't like anticipating it for too long. that gives me too much time to get worried and freaked out. i like to dive into things blindly, and THEN analyze them mercilessly. weird, i know.

Initial Consultation with RE .... Check!

2007-09-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

i had my re-introduction/initial consultation for round 3 appt. with dr. vaughn on monday. all in all, it went well. i got answers to some nagging questions, i got a refresher course on the whole IVF schedule, and i got a chance to remember how adorably quirky dr. vaughn is.

let me preface this with this statement : i have the utmost respect for dr. vaughn. i find him to be a straight shooter (hmmm...perhaps that's too graphic of a description when speaking of a fertility doctor ;-p), to be very professional, and to be compassionate without being mushy or giving false hope.

but, all that said, i also find him quirky. he wears a 3-piece suit to all appts. except for surgical appts (transfers and retrievals). i'm not kidding...he did all of my sonos while wearing a 3-piece suit. who do you know slings k-y jelly around while wearing a nice suit?! it's funny. and, somehow it made me more comfortable with him....it was like he left something really important to come and take care of me/help me. and, somehow that 3-piece suit is warmer and fuzzier than a white lab coat or scrubs.

the funniest thing yet, though, was dr. vaughn's reaction to my daughter, livie. the one he "gave" me. when he first came into the office and saw her, he sort of shyly glanced at her and glanced a way very quickly and said to me "i see you have a friend." then, he sat down across from me (not behind his desk, mind you...he sat in a little conversation area with me (very nice touch, i think)), and he says to me "this one is an FET, right?". he meant livie. i had to choke back a giggle.

livie did everything in her power to charm dr. vaughn, but he was invincible until the very end. livie fell head over heels in love with the fish in the office's two HUGE and very beautiful acquariums. when dr. vaughn noticed livie gazing at the fishies and telling me all about them in her toddler-speak, he stopped to share in her enthusiasm.

three random things :

ONE yes, i felt slightly shitty taking my daughter into a fertility clinic where we were likely to be sitting next to people who find it EXTREMELY difficult to be around children and might wonder what the hell i was doing there if i had a child (i very clearly remember feeling that way when i was going through this the first time and i saw families with children in the waiting room.). i was ready to apologize and explain in case anyone said anything, but no one did. i kinda wanted to put a t-shirt on livie that said something about her being a former totcicle and being the only embryo out of 19 fertilizations to make it. i *did* clear bringing her in before i got there, and i *did* try to get child care. it just didn't pan out.

TWO because of a planned and much-anticipated family vacation to the beach (livie, the water-loving toddler's first experience with the ocean), we are pushing out one menstrual cycle before the fun begins. i'm kinda glad to have the reprieve. i need to take a few deep breaths and steel myself for what lies ahead.

THREE when talking to dr. vaughn about various things, i rather flippantly made the comment that we were back to square one (we had been talking about whether this next cycle would be an FET/did we have embryos in the bank or if it would be a fresh IVF cycle). dr. vaughn paused, looked at me carefully, and said "you are not back at square one." and then he looked pointedly at livie. i could have started bawling right then. i didn't mean what it sounded like i meant, but his statement was a HUGE reminder to me that we need to keep focus on livie, thank god every day for her, and put this next cycle (or cycles) in perspective. we have to be careful not to let it drain us of the love and happiness that livie needs from us. and, we need to remember that we have been INCREDIBLY blessed once already, and truthfully, that is more than we could ever ask for.

Returning to the Scene

2007-09-12T18:31:00.001-07:00

today was my consultation with dr. mikeal love, the dr. who provided my OB care and delivered the bug. driving to his office gave me a major case of deja vu. i winced when i passed the church parking lot i pulled into after having rec'd the news that my blood pressure was getting too high. i had sat in that parking lot sort of reeling, shaking, and then i decided to call my mom and interrogate her about the toxemia (preeclampsia) she experienced when pregnant with me. walking through the parking garage and then the corridors of the building that houses dr. love's office brought back all sorts of feelings...from the happy anticipation i felt on most visits to the panic and then strange peace i felt on that last visit before the bug was born.

overall, the consultation went well. dr. love "officially" diagnosed me with PCOS based on past issues and my new cycle wonky-ness. apparently, the breakthrough bleeding and cramping are also a result of PCOS causing my progesterone levels to be too low.

also, i almost got dr. love to confirm that my preeclampsia had turned to HELLP at the end of my pregnancy (he hesitated and said probably, but he'd have to go back over all his notes to say confirm it). i know it's nearly 2 years now, and i should move on, but i like to have all my facts straight so that i can overthink them and analyze them to death. and, when it's all said and done, it doesn't make sense that my 31-hour labor would leave my uterus so weak that i would nearly bleed to death. lots of women have much longer labors and they're fine. i have long suspected that my platelets must have done a nose dive somewhere in the 36 hours between when i was in triage after being diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and when livie was born by c-section. i remember my anesthesiologist asking me if i always bled so severely with surgery, and that leads me to believe that it wasn't just my uterus and delivery of the placenta that caused the hemorrhage. again, i know it's been 2 years and i should be over it. i'm not. i have a plan to work on that though. and, i hope to hell that if i'm lucky enough to ever be pregnant again that preeclampsia/HELLP is not part of that deal.

next up : scheduling an HSG to check and make sure the b-lynch suture didn't leave any scarring behind. since i've been through the IF rigmarole before, i've already endured one of these wonders. i have to admit that what i saw on the screen was fascinating enough to distract me from the sensation of my cervix throwing a wall-eyed fit about the catheter and dye. that said, i don't exactly relish the opportunity to do it again ;-p

Two Appts Scheduled, Many More to Go

2007-09-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

today i was able to wrangle information out of our insurance company (we have different primary insurance this go 'round), schedule a consultation with the dr. that delivered the bug (and knows all about the complications), and schedule an initial consultation with our RE. if everything goes well, i could be on BCP by the end of this month.

of course, a lot of that rides on my incredibly wonky cycles. i was initially expecting a cycle to begin on or around 9/21, but since i had spotting late last week (10 days after my last "real" cycle) and am still having some cramping and sore bbs this week, i have no idea if that date is even remotely valid anymore.

Inaugural Post

2007-09-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

this new journey is a familiar one. we are contemplating pursuing another IVF cycle (this'll be our 2nd fresh IVF cycle) in the next couple months. i've been experiencing some extreme wonkiness with my already-wonky cycles, and i feel there's not a lot of time to lose. i have all sorts of feelings swirling around: hope, fear, excitement, sadness, apprehension, panic, and bitterness.

after one fresh IVF cycle that ended in an early miscarriage, we became pregnant with our beautiful bug via an FET cycle in which she was our only embryo. when i stop and think about the statistics and the incredible odds that our bug has overcome from the very start, the weight of it all nearly knocks me down. the bug's presence in this world is enough to turn my agnostic soul to god in wonder.

i'm expecting our journey to begin in the next month or so. complications with the bug's birth have me starting at a different place than i originally started. first up we have to find out if my uterus survived an extremely complicated c-section and resulting b-lynch suture in good enough shape to carry a baby again. once we pass this test, then we're back to the start line with our RE, Dr. Thomas Vaughn of Texas Fertility Clinic.

i'm both glad and sad that i know what to anticipate this time. i dread the emotional drain and the physical toll that a stim cycle takes on me, but i very eagerly anticipate the chance to be pregnant again. we are calling this our last shot b/c of financial constraints, but i think the reality is that if this cycle fails, we'll dig deep/take debt/whatever to try again. we only have 3 more chances. approximately $26k is a heck of a lot of debt to take on, but i have a feeling that we won't approach that situation logically if we're faced with it.